Blind

It's hard.  Today I realized that I don't like myself or believe anyone else would and that is why I need reassurance from people.  Which is ironic because people scare me.  I am like a beaten puppy who flinches when approached.  I have to learn how to realize and believe who God made me and how He sees me.  Is that possible? Where's the map?  Problem is, no one can lead the way.  This is between me and Him.  So, what's next?

faith

A leap of faith.  It never is as clean as the inspirational sayings.  For me it is much more of that run towards the big gap and then suddenly at the last moment the fear siezes me and instead of jumping wild and carefree I lose momentum. I jump with my eyes close praying I make it.  I slam against the other side and my body hangs above the pit.  I claw and scratch my way to the solid ground as I doubt and wrestle with the thoughts of giving up and falling in.  Eventually i pull myself from the pit I am dangling in.  There is no poetic leap.  It is an awkward, flailing, suspenseful fight that leaves me shaken, dirty, and bruised.  As the nerves settle, I look back and marvel. I know I did not do it alone and I know I can never go back.

I will forever be 'in process' of the death of our 3rd daughter.  I will never get 'over it' or 'past it' or 'through it'.  I will just be.  On certain days I reach for her baby ring and wear it on a chain around my neck.  Why?  I have no answer for you.  I probably never will.  Or I will have multiple answers.  There is no right and no wrong in the way I feel.  Although I hide it from most just because I don't really need the pity stare or the well wishes of 'well, you know there was probably something wrong with her'.  That last one always stumped me.  I wanted to reply 'so you are saying that rather than have a child with special needs I would wish them dead? that my life is better off with a dead child than one who needs constant care?'  I know they did not mean it in such a harm cold way, but inside I was screaming.  So those silent screams come out some days.  I thank God for the blessing of her, for getting to hold her, having pictures, her blanket, and ring.  The precious moments we had here on earth.  It's just some days, not all, but some days the 'why' of it outweighs the memories.  Some days I cry.

darkness sets in

There was a break.  Hard to describe in words so i will just use one.  Detachment.  I grew up in the church.  I gave my heart to Christ in elementary school.  I was searching for God in this.  Where was He?  Isolated, confused, hurting, scared, fearful, drained and unable to eat.  I called my doctor and a solid Christian Counselor.  I called off work the next day which turned into three days.  I felt a detachment from God.  I refused to stay in this detachment.  I knew I needed Him.  But the question, 'Where was He?'  Medication could possibly calm my mind and whatever else was going on but God, God would bring healing.That is what church taught me and now, I was calling their bluff.

the closing chapter

So it all started over a year ago.  Sitting at my desk at work.  I became aware of my breathing.  It was like I had to focus on it, remind myself to breathe.  I got up from my desk to walk, thinking perhaps it would help.  It didn't.  I could not get calmed down.  I tried to act as normal as possible, after all 'internalizing' is my middle name.  I made it through that day, somehow.  But little did I know, it was just the beginning.  The beginning of the end.

I am here

Well, here I am for what it is worth.  I guess I am branching out to blog.  Blogging to whoever reads this stuff.  My stuff I guess.  Which means putting myself out here.  Being vulnerable.  Not my comfort zone, but I can't stay in hiding forever.  So I guess this is facing my fears......here goes utterly and completely nothing.  This is me and my journey.  I own it all.