I will forever be 'in process' of the death of our 3rd daughter.  I will never get 'over it' or 'past it' or 'through it'.  I will just be.  On certain days I reach for her baby ring and wear it on a chain around my neck.  Why?  I have no answer for you.  I probably never will.  Or I will have multiple answers.  There is no right and no wrong in the way I feel.  Although I hide it from most just because I don't really need the pity stare or the well wishes of 'well, you know there was probably something wrong with her'.  That last one always stumped me.  I wanted to reply 'so you are saying that rather than have a child with special needs I would wish them dead? that my life is better off with a dead child than one who needs constant care?'  I know they did not mean it in such a harm cold way, but inside I was screaming.  So those silent screams come out some days.  I thank God for the blessing of her, for getting to hold her, having pictures, her blanket, and ring.  The precious moments we had here on earth.  It's just some days, not all, but some days the 'why' of it outweighs the memories.  Some days I cry.